"I · don't · get · it"

Yesterday I had my first real critique on something I designed. Oh man, it was hardxcore. It is so much different than auditions or art critiques. It's different from an audition because you don't usually have your teacher judging you with the objective panel. Also, you are being judged both on the communication of your ideas as well as the ideas themselves. It's different than an art critique because you have an objective panel and you can actually be wrong if your structure has something in it that doesn't make sense. All in all it was horrendously stressful and at the same time invigorating.

This is how it goes. You are in a room in front of your whole class, four grad students that have never seen your work, and the professor. You get two minutes and about five sentences to explain a structure you spent literally hundreds of hours on in the last two weeks. Then they talk about (rip apart) your project while you stand there and nod. This goes on for approximately twenty minutes.

It left me feeling kind of odd because through the last seventy or so hours in the studio I just wanted to be done with the project but after hearing what the panel said, all I wanted to do was tweak it a little more to make it that much better. Unfortunately, right afterwards we had our next assignment and I won't have time, but I have some nice plans to put in my portfolio. I just have to work on disassociating myself from my project. It's a little bit hard. It's a good experience though, and they said that your first design and judging is a rite of passage. It was a lot of work but it was so rewarding.

Now off to make something that's tall and holds an egg out of paper straws and pins....gahh!

I went to see Paprika and fell in love with that lunatic Satoshi Kon all over again. Something in all that bewildered fever dreaming appeals to me. I can't say that I even understood it completely but it had the rare ability to actually spark interesting conversation. I've also been watching Tudors, which is an amazing show, I must say. I started watching it purely to see Jonathan Rhys-meyers shirtless but I am hooked now, hooked on history no less.

I got screwed over by that roommate of mine again. God, I don't know why I even try to be nice to him. It is obvious that he doesn't respect me at all. I realize that I am not your favorite person to hang out with, but you can at least respect me as a human being. I will not be a stand-in for your favorite person when she is gone. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this exactly. Everything is trickier when in such close quarters.

I find myself thinking about my Grandmother a lot lately. It seems that whenever I do art of any kind I start thinking of her and how much I wish I could have had more time with her. To me, she was the archetypal artist and what I model much of my work after. Recently I started thinking of her while I play music, the song 'Melodie-Orfeo ed Euridice'. It's become my make-shift prayer to her, though I do not pray. I don't know why I seem to be so compelled by her memory lately but I do have a tendency to have delayed reactions to traumatic events. I think everyone does to some extent.

I think I finally understand what my Architecture Professors are saying about the beauty of function. They kept asking me to explain why I had things in my design and I would get all annoyed at them making me rip stuff out of my building because it was 'superfluous'. I think I thought of buildings as sculptures, but I now see them differently, because the beauty doesn't come from a curved piece of glass or an angled wall, but the fact that feature fulfills purpose that makes the room better to live in. I think I thought of architecture as the building itself and not about the experience of the person within that space. What you are making is not a beautiful thing, that's for artists, you are making a beautiful life for the people who use the structure in question. If your addition doesn't lend itself to that beauty, it is hindering it.

Form follows function...I get it now...

Get ready for a bit of an interesting post. If you know the people in question do not tell them what I say or I will get in trouble. I really think that only applies to one of you out there and I think you know who you are. I say this because this post is about some of the people that are now in my life and I am irritated. It is also about why life right now is amazing and why it is so horrendous at the same time. First off I will start out with me or more accurately how I have pissed people off and why I do. At the root of the problem is a want to feel attracted to someone and want that person to be attracted to me. Since I have moved, I haven't had that. I haven't had anything in fact. I suppose I've tried to feel that with people but it just doesn't happen and I get bored and annoyed. I think the fact that Seattle is such a large community hinders peoples' need to latch onto each other. We just sort of flit from one person to the next knowing that out there somewhere is someone else they can vaguely show some interest in. I tend to throw myself at people that I shouldn't simply because I want to feel something and not really because of the person. I really do feel bad for those people that I have done that to. Another thing that is affecting me lately is this class I'm taking, not so much because it is a lot of work but more because I actually have to work hard in it. When I am done with something that took so much effort I never get any approval but instead live from criticism to criticism. In art classes, I could take criticism because I knew that I could change what I did if I did it incorrectly, but in this class I do not know what is wrong so I do not know how to change. I think more than anything I want to have some praise and that is just disgusting because I've made my life be about doing what I want how I want to no matter what people think. Those who know me know that I am not in any way referring to a simple platitude, but that this is truly the paradigm by which I navigate the world. More than anything now, I am lacking in validation. I want to feel like someone appreciates me for exactly who I am and what I do. I want to feel like I am not running around making those around me feel in anyway bad or unsatisfied. It is this epiphany that is both freeing and disturbing. Freeing because I know what I want, disturbing because I don't wish to want it. It is also hard to watch peoples' connections to others. Some I think, take for granted their ability to attract good people. Others, through their actions do not deserve the romantic situations they have landed in, and if it were known what their past was, they would not have such success. In these situations, I can see flaws and it is extremely hard for me to keep quiet simply out of the need for vengeance upon my own circumstances. The things I could say would be crippling but I will not reveal their secrets. That being said, that same respect wasn't show to me. Someone whom I thought was a friend turned my weakness into a joke. I have never been able to trust that person again. This makes me sad but it makes me feel better now that I know that I can't feel good around them anymore. It was a little disturbing how much our mutual friend fails to see these faults but I cannot expect people to drop others for what they have done to me especially after all the two of them have been through. It's just that horribly blatant exclusivity and favoritism that irks me which again stems from that lack of validation. On top of this, I am an accomplice to certain plots against another person who I am beginning to recognize more and more as being a decent human being. I am torn between maintaining the cold-war style stability of the house, or defending someone I think who has been wronged by those who have wronged me. Obviously my loyalties are not so strong as they were before I fully understood the situation. And this is why my life, though it is busy, is so by the grace of whatever deity may exist. Because when I am working, I can be away from all of this. My necessary fervor is what keeps me from battles which do not need to be waged, but nevertheless take place. I do not know if that is a healthy mentality. Actually, I do know that it is not, but it is something that is keeping me going. I'd like to end this by saying that I do know that there are people who appreciate me and this was not some sort of call to action for others but rather an introspection to allow myself understand why I desire that and why I think that I am not getting it.

Yesterday I was up up for about 22 hours before I fell asleep for about 2 and a half. Then it was off to the zoo for Doris's Birthday. My God, I felt like a zombie. But then I had the equivavalent of about four cokes that kept me up into the evening but then I had like 2 and a half glasses of wine at 8 and BAM I was passed the fuck out until about 11 this morning. I haven't been that sleep deprived in a while, not since finals last year.

Look at my new format! It's real neat. Maybe I'll start to use this thing more often if it looks so sweet.

The cat is sleepingn on my mochi pillow. She really loves that thing.

Someone I know got in an accident recently and posted this. I felt like I should post it again.

Ever since the accident I've found that I have an ample amount of time to think. I lay here in bed constantly, dreaming about when I will be able to walk again. The doctors said in thirteen weeks I might be able to walk without crutches, but that seems dubious at the moment. I was told recently that my fracture is a pilon fracture. I guess they're common in high speed accidents, and are widely held to be the most painful type of fracture someone can come across. And just to attest to this: the actual fracture was created by something impacting my heel into my ankle, which made my left leg shorter after the accident. The steel cage that I wore in the pictures I've posted was meant to extend my shortened lower leg. It was actually stretching my swollen lower leg to its previous size, so they could continue with another reconstructive surgery. It did this while the bones were held as straight as they could. After my second surgery the first thing the surgeon said was that they had to do a lot of "manipulation" to my bones in order to get them closer to what they use to be. I took the word manipulation to be a more politically correct way of saying they had to destroy a whole lot more bone structure to manipulate it with the steel plates and screws. The metal is now a permanent part of my leg, and I do not doubt I will have permanent damage to my leg after this.

I've had two surgeries, woke up screaming three times, and the doctors have tried their hardest to numb the pain. I've rode in the ambulance too many times for my age, and I hate it. I've had too much morphine and I'm tired of it. I've worried too much about my family as they worry about me. I sit here cradling my leg on a pillow my mom made for me, and all I can think is that all this pain, anxiety, and disability--even how distorted my leg looks can be attributed directly to someone deciding that they would drive drunk. Some dumb kid, who made the irresponsible decision to take his subaru out after a party or some beer binge at a bar. It makes me sick with disgust. But this has really made me a stronger person and I can feel it. It has opened my eyes to what is important in life. The most important things in life are relationships, experiential moments, and the emotion or sensate feelings that are present in these events or relationships. Life is not about numbing of sensation and hardship, but living in spite of hardship.

So, please, as a friend, can I ask you now that the next time you or someone else tries to drive drunk. Just don't. You could hurt someone and their family more than you could ever imagine. I'm living it right now, and it is as much hell as I've written. I have not exagerated a detail. And please don't tell me I'm lucky to be alive. Someone who is lucky does not have to inject themselves in the stomach twice a day. It is not luck, and it seems to insult my pain. But I will live through this pain, and I will not be able to walk until after I am 21. After I'm 21 I don't think I will pick up a drink. I mean that. All I wanted to say is life is something we should want to remember and feel--even the pain and fear. Also Matt my prayers are with you and your family as much as they are with my own. Thank you for reading.

hmmm... I can't stop coughing. Everytime I catch anything it goes right into my lungs. I'm on some hard core robitussin so maybe that will help.

I got food today so I actually get to eat. They seem to have picked up on the fact that I am buying out all of the korean noodles, because they are are stocked up like crazy. I don't think I'll have to buy them by the dozen each time they come in now. That's nice, I guess.

I had an interesting weekend tht may have left me with more questions than answers. I love and hate to feel this way. I just wish it was easier logistically.

It has been a while since I have felt desired and since someone has made me feel like more than a plaything. I'm just trying to summon up more emotional currency, as my many investments have left me almost broke.

laterz

This weekend was so much fun. I met cool people I and I partied like it was 1999. I feel so much better than I did in my last post. I'm starting to come to terms with things and I think my healing body is echoing what is happening on the inside.

my priorities are that:

I need direction.

I need to fill that empty space that I have with something that I need but don't know how to find.

Oh, I lost my debit card but I cancelled it so I have some piece of mind. I actually got through the process with relatively few set-backs...which is basically unheard of in my world. I don't work well with automation.

Sorry about my horribly 3mo generalities but they make sense to me. I don't really want to elaborate.

Warning: this entry is going to be ridiculously long

I think I need to start writing this again because I am feeling a little lost right now. I thought before that I was on some sort of track but I have realized that I am not.

So I've had some dead ends in the last couple of weeks. I'm not even mad at those people per-say. It's more just a matter of being angry at myself for once again making myself vulnerable to a people I shouldn't. I'm not sure if it is because I am young or because thats the way I am, but I allow myself to be too soft when I should be solid and too solid when I should be soft. In the end, if I'm going to find someone, I need to just let it happen, so thats what I'm doing. No longer am I going to actively persue, instead I am going to passively persue. I'll keep my eyes open, I'll make opportunities, but I will not try to force what, I realize now, cannot be forced.

I'm tired of being used.

The other thing I need to figure out, which is probably more important than any of the things I have listed above, is what the hell I am going to do with my life, and how I am going to use college to get to that goal. Do I want to be an english major? Do I want to continue with design? Do I want to somehow become an architect? How am I going to support myself if I choose any of these professions? I suppose I have to hear back from UW first and then I can work further toward understanding what I need to do. I hope they tell me one way or the other soon because I need to get out there doing something and not dragging my feet around this bloated institution using my upper middle class privilage as an excuse to waste time.

I'm sick, I have at least three ailments going on at once and they are the kind that I just need to let run their course, but I hate it. I am an impatient person and I am a person that does not handle annoyances well, so this is quite intolerable. God, I hurt so many places.

My classes are bullshit this quarter, I realize that. I am not here for any specific purpose, what's worse is that my parents are encouraging this. They say I should be a writer. A WRITER for godsake. They are supposed to tell me that I should be a doctor or a lawyer and not any of these careers that has the stability of a 300 year old see-saw made of toothpicks and twine.

I really do want to find someone. I just don't want to settle anymore and I don't want that person to have settled for me. This may be too much to ask. I sound crazy now. I guess I'm just an intense person.

Ok this wasn't as long as I was expecting it to be. I'm glad, because those are annoying. I'm going to go watch some movies now and hope that I don't hurt so much in the morning.